John Spillane hates Tayto

We caught up with the comedian at the Paddy Power Comedy Festival to discuss John Cena's jorts, Robert Sheehan, scientology and more

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Can you introduce yourself?

Hi, I’m John Spillane. I’m a comedian. I’m playing the Paddy Power Comedy Festival this weekend. I’m on the Saturday and the Sunday, and yeah, it’s going to be great. You should go to it. There we go. That sounded professional. Immediately, I second-guessed myself. God, I have no confidence. You know what? I’m not playing the festival. I’m going home.

Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?

At the festival? Oh, in life. Oh, I should think of something funny, but I just thought of my fiancé Shannon. Yeah, I feel like if the lift was gonna fall, and only one of us could make it out in time, she’d let me escape, and I’d let her let me escape, yeah Shannon yeah I would miss her. I’d think of her often. Every time I would be in a lift I would just think of her and I would go oh yeah that was good.

What did Chris say? (We asked Chris Higgins the same question earlier)

He said you.

I was gonna say him; I was so close to saying him, and I was just like, oh no, I don’t want to be a big old cheese ball. Did he really? Oh, I feel so bad about that. Anyway, oh, Chris Higgins, hate that guy. Bad guy, bad guy. You can’t tell through the phone. Odorous, he’s an odorous man. He acts very cool and very liberal, but he’s got some nasty opinions. He’s a nasty boy. Look at him over there. He’s one of the nastiest boys I’ve ever seen. No, he’s fantastic. I love him very much.

Who would you least like to be stuck in a lift with?

Who would I least like to? Just like a really big, smelly person, you know, just a big smelly…speak of the devil *Chris Higgins walks by*. I found out you said that you would be in a lift with me. I felt so guilty. Oh, he’s a good boy. This is gonna be an eight-hour video. I hope that’s fine.

What was the strangest interaction you’ve had with a celebrity?

So I was playing a comedy club, and afterwards they were playing music and between the gaps Robert Sheehan showed up. I’m not saying I looked like Robert Sheehan, but at the time people said I looked a bit like Robert Sheehan, and we were the only ones in the bar, and he came up to me; it was just us. It was like a dream, and he just saddled up to me. He said, “What’s the one thing people say to you when they first see you?” And I was like, “Oh, I look like the guy from Misfits.” And he was like, “Oh, you think you’re funny, huh?” And I’m like, “Oh yeah, I’m a comedian. He’s just like, “No, you’re not”. I wasn’t really a comedian, but I was just trying to sound cool. And then he asked the barman, “Hey, who’s this guy?” And he goes, “Oh, that’s John Spillane, the comedian”, only because I had been on stage 10 minutes earlier. And then Robert Sheehan was like, “Oh, class!” And then we did shots of tequila, and he told me crazy stories.

And yeah, that’s my most random celebrity encounter. Rob, if you’re listening, we got to do a reunion, man. We gotta meet each other. I miss you, buddy. I miss you, Rob. Rob, if you’re watching this, I miss you, and we need to hang out more often. God, I miss you, Rob.

What was the last show you went to?

I was screening a movie, but afterwards there was a show, and there was this band. I’m gonna get them up. I’m gonna give these guys a shout out. They were the Leon Something Quintex. They were a funky ass band. They were unreal. I’m gonna give these guys a shout out here now. The Leon Stax Equation, they were incredible. They were at a film festival where the only thing anybody wants to do is talk about themselves, and they started playing, and then they got everybody dancing and everybody listening. And I had been there the three nights previous, and nobody listened to any of the other bands. But these guys were incredible. Yeah, the Leon Stax Equation, they’re class.

What did 12-year-old you imagine you’d be doing now?

Oh, I kind of thought I’d be Spider-Man or something. Like I was looking around for radioactive spiders. I still thought that was a career option. That like, if I just got bit by the right spider, I could be swinging around Dublin solving crimes, so I haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe, you know, I’m not saying I’m too old to become Spider-Man, but yeah, that or something goofy. So I guess I’m close enough.

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

Okay, so when I was starting out in comedy, I was doing one of my first gigs. It was my first time doing a gig outside of Limerick. I’d gone to Kerry to do a gig, and there was a headliner. I’m not going to name them. They aren’t performing on this festival, but the headliner saw my set, and I did reasonably well, and so he called me over to his table and said, “Hey, I wanna, I wanna give you some advice.” I was like, “Oh my God, yeah, amazing! Yeah, what advice do you have?” And then he pointed under the table, and under the table he had an empty pint glass with ice that he’d gotten from the bar, and he took out a naggin of gin and he poured it into the pint glass, and then he said to me, “We’re here to make money, not lose money”, and that is the worst advice I’ve ever been given, or the best advice if you’re trying to save money on gin.

What’s your controversial food opinion?

Tayto. Hate Tayto. Any kind of crisps. Like I don’t even want to be in the same room as them. Disgusting, deplorable. If I had my way, they’d be illegal. Like I would totally get rid of them from the country. Disgusting, terrible food. And if you eat them, you’re gross, and you smell. And I don’t want to be around you.

Who do you often get told you look like?

Oh, I got a bit of Robert Sheehan, but more so, I get Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg. This is more like in college and stuff. And now, because I do the interviews for LADbible, I get Ross McCarney a lot, but whenever people find out I’m the other one, they get so disappointed. Like, people are so excited to see Ross, and then they’re so disappointed when it’s John’s Spillane.

What film have you rewatched most in your life?

Billy Madison. Billy Madison, my friend Chrissy Handsome, we would go to his house. We’d watch it every single day, like every day for a good two years. I’d say we watched that every day. I could start the movie off by heart now. It’s the best movie of all time. They should play that next year. They should play that at the festival, just in one of the tents. Play Billy Madison. It’ll kill.

If you had to have a song playing every time you walked into a room, what would it be?

Oh, John Cena’s theme song. I get to come out high-fiving people and throw someone through a table. That’d be amazing. I would wear the jorts in this wish scenario; I would totally take a pair of jorts for life. I would love to be John Cena. Wristbands, cap, and if anybody’s in where we are causing trouble, if there’s any bad guys or heels, as they’re called in the business, through a table. *Mimics throwing someone through a table*. You couldn’t tell there, but I’m incredibly powerful. I know I looked a little bit dainty when I did it, but I’m an incredibly powerful person.

Do you have any superstitions?

Nothing major, no. Superstitions, no, I don’t think so. Yeah, I’m a Scientologist. Does that count? Hahaha, only messing. Oh, Tom Cruise. I’m making enemies with Cruise baby. Me and Cruise. No, I mean that’s very pro-Scientology, so I don’t know why anyone would have a problem with that.

John Spillane performs live at The Paddy Power Comedy Festival on Saturday 25 and Sunday 26 July. Find tickets and see the full festival line-up HERE.